Peace

It's Monday night and pretty quiet here. The older kids are going to try "camping out" in the playroom. We'll see how long it is before they wind up in my bed. Chad is working until around two and then he will put them back where they belong. He is coming home for lunch, he wanted to come home and tuck them in! I hope he brings chocolate and coffee with him!!! Just kidding - I would be up all night. What a sweet husband and wonderful kids God has blessed me with. Update: I just finished writing my post and Chad is back at work and T is sleeping in my bed, he said he doesn't want me to be lonely without Daddy! How can I resist that? I can't. That's probably why we have at least two kids in our bed with us at some point during the night, every night. Aid and I went to the cemetery Saturday. I finally did it. It was surprisingly just like I had expected. We had no clue exactly where her once sick body now rests. We got a map in the office numbered 246-A (or something like that) in the Garden of Faith. Once we circled the garden of Faith a few times we realized there were no numbers to help us identify and her marker wasn't in yet. We decided to stop near the spot that I thought I recognized the flowers on and walk over to it. I know it sounds weird but I knew the flowers were bought by my Dad. I recognized them as I would recognize an old family photo. He had been there earlier in the day and placed them there. We walked up and peeked around pretty sure but still not positive. There was a card from my Aunt (who also went earlier in the day) in the vase with the flowers. She didn't sign her name - she signed Sis, so Aid called her to verify. We were right - which I somehow was already sure of. She is buried right under a beautiful tree with wind chimes. We didn't get to hear the beautiful song of the wind chimes, but we did get to feel the rain. Which felt refreshing - it allowed me to feel. There was one time when my eyes got misty however it wasn't because we were standing over my Mothers grave it was because we were talking about old memories. Discussing how much we missed her and how different our lives our now. I didn't feel the need to talk to her there, she's not there. Sometimes my brain and heart think they are in agreement but discover they aren't when faced with certain situations. This time they were in total agreement, she is dancing on streets of gold and beholding sites we can't even imagine. It seemed silly to talk to the Earth her body is laid in. Both Aid and myself were feeling quite a bit of anxiety all morning. The moment we approached her grave site we felt peace. Peace that isn't often experienced, much less in a cemetery. A peace I know to be the healing work of the Holy Spirit. I felt surrounded by Angels, maybe my Mom - I don't know. If heaven is another dimension that is all around us it could be possible or not - it really doesn't matter. God made sure we were covered with His love and peace that day. I will always be able to look back and see the covering of God on the first time I visited my Mothers grave site. I am not sure how often I will go, only time will tell. I am not going to hold myself to any holiday schedule. Just when I feel led I will go. Father, I thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to comfort me in my time of need. I praise you tonight God for healing my Mom. I don't always understand your ways but I do know that in all things you are good. I thank you for her time here on Earth and for the lives she touched for you. Thank you for putting me with just the right parents for me, for knowing me better than I know myself. You are truly an amazing God.

I'm Back

I know I've taken a little break but I'm finally back! We are all moved, I wouldn't say fully unpacked but we're in!!! We are loving the new house! It is such a perfect fit for us!

We have been really busy this summer. We are having a lot of fun. Last night we had a little slumber party. K's friend H and Grace stayed the night. K and H have been friends since kindergarten. I took all six kids in the pool last night, we had a blast. Chad had to work but we still had fun. Last week we went to the zoo. We went to a Fourth of July BBQ at Duane and Myra's house. We had a ridiculous amount of fun there. We hit the fireworks a couple times. Not to mention we have been very busy with church. So far we are having a great summer.

Today would be my Mom's 58th birthday. Aid and I are going to go to the cemetery. I haven't went yet. I was going to go on Mothers Day but Chad got called to work and it was raining and i didn't want to take the kids - not yet. I wasn't sure if I was ready to go or not but I prayed about it last night and I feel that gentle reassurance that it is time. I read on my comments that Trish is going with my Aunt Peggy. Thank you Trish, it means a lot to me. My Mom loved you and your family so much.

I have found lately that I really miss my Mom. The fog is starting to lift and I am really missing her. I keep having dreams about her. I have found the weirdest things triggering my memories of her that end in me crying. I am going with it though, I want to be able to express my grief and deal with my feelings.

Tomorrow will be 5 months since she passed on February 20th. On that note I do have some pretty exciting news....we are having another baby!!!!! Our new baby is due on, you guessed it - February 20th. I already know we wont have our baby on that exact day (the doctors are inducing) but this baby will always be a wonderful memory of my Mom's new birthday, the day she entered into heaven. So on the one year mark of our losing her and missing her and celebrating her new life we get to hold our new baby that will always remind me of how majestic God truly is. If it is a girl she will be named Azalea Faith after my Grandma (on my Dad's side) and not only is Faith my Mom's maiden name but as a remembrance of how much Faith she had. Never have I met someone in her circumstance that had so much faith.

I know this post is a little here and there but it's been a long time so I have a lot to say and I am trying to write and respond to 6 kids.